My passion to write a blog came after my son was born, when the birds began to sing again and the sun rose from a long dark slumber in my life. April will always be a hard month for me, I can remember that at the spring daffodil parade the last two Aprils I have been pregnant. But I only had one baby to show for it. My other baby is not here because she silently died inside of me and April 28th I delivered her at home at 11 weeks and 4 days and it changed who I am forever. I had been naive before this event to anything of the sort happening to us, for God allowing us to experience such a traumatic loss. It was as if someone took my heart out of my chest and started stomping on it and never seeing an end to the pain and grief. We found out at Good Sam in the wee hours of the morning when the Dr arrived in our room he could only point to the paper with his pen, " no fetal heartbeat". Its incredible three little words can be as powerful as a hurricane. She had died...my body had failed her somehow, I was carrying death inside of me. "go home and try to relax and you should have a heavy type period" Wow, what an understatement that was! I wont go into detail on here but I will tell you it is as painful as birth at 9 months it is as traumatic as seeing a bad car wreck and I still feel like a soldier who has been exposed to the visions of blood and war, wounded in the deepest places of my heart from this experience. I did not have to see her face to know I loved her, to touch her skin and know her laugh, I only had to know God entrusted me with a life inside my body to fall in love with this tiny fragile life and all I knew after she had left was that somehow I failed her. What kind of woman was I? What sort of joke was this, what kind of God would let babies die? I was so angry and confused and hurt. The following week I had to have a d&c to rid of the "products of conception" and the over head kept ringing a lullaby every time a baby was born in the labor and delivery wing. That was the most sorrowful sound to my ears. I wanted to yell at everyone "I had a baby too ....she's just not here!" As I left I wondered how everyone else in the world could go on with their lives....how people could smile. Didn't they know that I had lost....didn't they know this world was dark and terrible?! How could there every be a happy ending to this story. As sick as felt losing her it only made matters worse that my brother and his wife were expecting right around the same time. I LOVE babies and I love my niece to pieces , but I was so incredibly jealous and angry at God that we have to watch how happy and excited they are as we cry ourselves to sleep. I felt as I must be getting what i deserve, that grace and the cross had not taken my sin and I must be being punished for something I did wrong in my past. I began to drink, smoke, and completely lost it on my husband, go out and party....Pretty much acting like a rebellious 15 yro all over again,trying to numb myself of the pain. My husband and I were near divorce and I was convinced he was mad at me for letting our baby down ( I know now that was irrational thinking). I fell into a great depression...I literally longed to die because a part of me had died when she did. The winter was dark and cold, it held no hope for me. But suddenly then there was a speck of light, my girlfriend had invited me on an all expense paid trip to my other home, Hawaii. How could I say no? Even when we arrived in paradise I was sad, I sat on North Shore breathing in the salty sea air and staring out into the vast ocean, I received a vision of a beautiful little toddler boy playing in the water and I truly thought God was showing me I would have had a boy. We left the beach and arrived at our hotel and my friend says"I think you are pregnant" .....wow, I was not thinking this at all, but since my period was late I went ahead and tested and sure enough on Jan 12th 2010, I found out the Lord had entrusted me with another life. It was so hard to wrap my head around and I was shocked and happy and scared all at the same time. I called my husband immediately and he was so excited, I couldn't believe how much joy he seemed to have, it made me feel hopeful. I arrived back in Seattle the next evening and went to the dr. s right away only to be told this was another miscarriage. I went home devastated and waited and waited for 12 days to bleed....My mother calls and tells me, don't you believe a word they're saying you are still pregnant I had a vision of a beautiful chubby boy and you are NOT going to miscarry, you speak life over that baby. So I typed out a word document to God and one to the baby telling him to be strong and stay inside so we could love him forever. I waited a few more days and got in with the Dr. and sure enough was my healthy baby with a strong heartbeat blowing the mind of my doctor. The rest of the pregnancy was a struggle from low progesterone and risk of miscarriage until I was about 14 weeks and a heart condition I had that was hard to treat and I didn't know if I would even survive. I couldn't even take the tags off the baby clothes because I was so afraid he would die too. And then on September 14th 2010 a miracle of God was born at 11:48 weighing 7 lbs 3 ounces and 19 3/4 inches long and everything I thought wed gone through that made me think God was punishing me turned into the love story of my life. The sun shined, the milk flowed....the flowers were fragrant and I knew that my love for my son was just another testimony to Gods unfailing love for me. That just when you think you cant do it and want to give up He is there waiting with the surprise of your life that will fulfill you in every way that you've longed for. Because it was His plan and His design for His purpose, and he is good. He was born the day before my birthday and was the best gift a woman could ever want. I understand grief and pain now, but I also understand the preciousness of life and love with all my heart now, knowing so fully what a blessing my children are, how fragile and beautiful they are. Thank you God for showing me your love through all of the pain. Genesis 29:35, She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, "This time I will praise the LORD." So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children.
Leah Marie Dogeagle, our angel who awaits us in heaven, we love you forever baby girl
4/28/2009
