Creeping up on me...

As much as I want to walk forward, I always hear the voices of my past creeping up on me. The "you are not good enoughs" or "they'll always talk about you behind your back." I continue to question my my own worth, even though I know I am worthy. Worrying that I don't fit the mold, the norm...this generally happens when I make new friends, knowing that I have a crazy past, feeling as if I somehow have to prove myself as worthy. Its days like today, when there is quiet for a few minutes that I reflect on what I know is true. The past is the past...the future has not yet occurred and all I have is right now, who I am today defines me. Today, I am a loving mother,today I am a wife who is trying to be a better one, today I am a writer. Each day I perfect what I put my heart into, we perfect whatever it is we practice. Now my goal is no perfection, my goal is to be more Christ like. To have his patience, heart and love, to think higher of others than myself....thats a hard one! I think I need to just take a step back from myself and look from the outside and let the Lord whisper into my soul and heart how he thinks of me....worthy...beautiful...loving....a princess...His girl. I do not need toe worlds approval nor do I need the past defining who I am. I am Alyssa and I think I'm just going to have to accept that I am loved and perfectly me. xo

Epic weekend

I had a wonderful weekend. I truly did, this happened because I chose not to stress myself out. Generally I try and get the house ready for the weekend. I am one of those mothers who feels like she needs to have the house in order so she can go out and enjoy my free time on the weekends without knowing a pile of dishes or a basket of laundry is waiting for me. I have inherited my guilt from my mother and you would probably think me Catholic because of it. So Friday night my husband and I enjoyed a nice meal and we watched some tv together and relaxed, I didnt get all stressed about the mess in the kitchen or the fact that the kid's room was a mess, I just enjoyed my family for once. Saturday came and we hung out,my husband let me sleep in and we went and got some chicken fajita pitas at jack in the box with some coupons, it was a great deal and we love saving money. We headed to our bible study and just enjoyed being around our friends and talking about God and what hes doing for us and in us. When we came home we snuggled and just truly enjoyed one another, this may not seem epic to anyone, but me and my husband tend to bicker and fight with each other over the smallest things and I find when I let go, he mellows out and if I ask for his help he does it. Today he did the dishes and helped organize the kid's room which took 3 hours, and he did it all without complaining. By the end of the evening my husband leaned in to kiss me and I said " do you notice something" and he says "ya, were not fighting". How beautiful is that? The more I find myself praying and letting go of my control the more God has room to heal the brokenness in our marriage. God tells us when we are weak he is strong,this tells me I don't have to be strong all the time, I don't have to be perfect, have my dishes done, or all the chores caught up and if I relax its ok. This weekend was argue free and who wants to raise kids arguing all the time?! I sure dont, I really pray we continue working in unity and remaining kind to one another because when we are like this I think we can accomplish anything we put our minds and heart into and that we are a match made in heaven. I really adore my husband and I know that God is working on us because I see the fruits and they taste so sweet.

Working through the exhaustion

Today was a most challenging day for me as my son cried and wailed for 3 hours straight...this brought me to tears myself. Its very hard to think that I could ever get frustrated with a newborn, especially my own, especially with all I have been through to get to him. I experienced two losses before Judah. I was told he was a miscarriage and he wouldn't survive. He is MY miracle baby. He is my heart. I have an older daughter Layla who is seven and a half and she is also my heart, but there is something so special to be said about the connection of a mom and her boy. I grew up knowing my mom favored my brother which always made me feel insecure and i never understood it. Please dont get me wrong I LOVE Layla but Judah is just so different. I spoke with a friend and she said for women who were ever abused in anyway when we have boys it is our opportunity to raise them in a way we would want a man to be, to love, respect and care for women and maybe that has to do with the bonding of a mother and her son. Anyhow back to my point, I am a veteran mother and Layla had SEVERE colic so when I had Judah all I could think is anything had to be better than what Layla put me through and I would soar through the first 3 months. How wrong was I! It hit about 2 weeks ago when I lost my patience, mind and I began crying uncontrollably. I had to put him in the crib and call my best girlfriend and have her come take over. This has really punched me in the self esteem gut of motherhood. Here I am 8 years older,wiser,married, financially stable, basically all the things I wasn't when I had my first thinking I had it down and I was prepared for anything motherhood could bring my way. Thinking somehow that all those status changes would somehow overpower my own humanity, my own weaknesses. I am humbled today to know we ALL go through the stress whether we admit it to others or not. No matter how big the miracle of our children....we all lose it sometimes and it is OK and it is HUMAN and GOD is STILL in CONTROL. Man what a hard thing to remember, I can't do this all my own, I have to reach out and it's ok. It doesn't make Judah any less of a miracle, it doesn't make me any worse of a person, it doesn't mean I am taking for granted this sweet time in his life. It just means I am a human being...whew. Im glad Ive reached this conclusion. I pray a tired mother will stumble across my blog today and remember shes just human and does not need to be superwoman. Its ok to be regular,loving,caring , pulling hair out mom too :) Blessings all xoxox!

My first blog

Well hello anyone who reads this. I'm Alyssa and I don't have much time since I was a 7 week old who I think is about to wake up:) I've been wanting to start a blog for quite sometime but never took the time so this is exciting for me to do. Plus I think it takes some courage to share your life with others and your opinions because there are always others who want to tear you down, but I guess Ill have to risk it! Any how I'm 29 and I just had my second child Judah, my first is Layla and she is 7. I also have a 9 yro step son Ethan and a 2 year old Boston Terrier Chihuahua who is currently posessed and chased a neighborhood girl for 30 minutes protecting his new baby family member as we were out on a stroller walk.I think its fair to say he will be going on Craigslist very soon as I don't have energy to chase down this demon dog. Well thats it folks, baby crying and dog barking, be back later :)