Living on faith

I have been uneager to write this blog in fear something disastrous might happen if I did. It seems like when things are going well, I quietly thank God half expecting the other shoe to drop but in this case I'm gonna have to toot the "God" horn. So, toot toot! Here's why....and this is probably to date one of the most valuable lessons I have learned so far, and it sounds really easy but it took years of being a single mom, running out of gas, signing up for welfare and being homeless to get to this place, its been a long journey. The more we fear the less we have. I know, I know sounds pretty cheesy right like I stole it from that secret book or something, but it is the real deal. I swear....And also , this is even more elementary, the more you are generous and give the more you will get back. I have seen this in practice over the past year. As many of you know my mom taught me how to coupon and last winter I got really into it. So into it in fact I had plenty left over each month and decided to donate to local families in need, food banks and friends. It was my passion and I loved the feeling of helping our community. I sewed the seeds of generosity, not expecting anything in return at all and now in the last three months in our time of need we have reaped the reward. It was reward enough for me just to give and know we were helping, but God is such a bigger giver than we are. I always hear at church that you cant out give God. That is an understatement! I have seem miracle after miracle this past few months and I can say confidently that I spent little to no time worrying about how our finances would be taken care of. Now I don't know where this came from but I just trusted God in full confidence he would supply and somehow it seems the less I worried and the more I waited the more money and blessings flowed into our lives. This does not me we haven't diligently been seeking work, making resumes, ordering business cards, completing school, etc etc. But we never laid awake at night with that pit in our stomachs thinking "ok God, where are you now". And I must say it has built my faith in the biggest way and I feel so compelled to share my testimony, that the more you are generous and have a giving spirit and the more you don't worry about tomorrow, the bigger the blessings that will come your way. So please if you are in need and you need a miracle, be generous with what you can give, whether it be time, love, a phone call, top ramen....whatever and then wait, oh ya...and don't worry and this happy combination will surely please God, and he loves to reward those who live by faith.

So bored...

My God I am bored, I dont know if its the fact ive been home for 9 months as a stay at home mother or its because I just changed the millionth diaper, Or maybe its the fact that this is all im doing an ill be 30 in 3 months. Why does this not seem appealing anymore, I want to make a mad dash for the door and go to a place where adults meet and talk and wear cute things and talk about where they bought them, where people sip drinks they special order, "Ill have a non fat double tall mocha choca...." whatever, you know what Im saying....And if I open my purse a binki and a baby spoon wont come flying out, if I open my car door you wont see a disaster of kids sweatshirts a scooter and baby toys. I would like my identity back for like 2 seconds please. I own a freakking minivan! When did this happen? Somewhere between I do and now I seem to have lost a part of me, the me that used to do things for herself, who used to write and spend time alone in her room, who used to make 3 hour phone calls and not feel guilty about it. I used to take myself to the bookstore and read and take a drive just because I wanted to. Now I havent the time for such non sense, Im too busy wiping the spit up off my sweater I tried to wear to look like a sophisticated human, and driving around in a van to make my baby fall alseep instead of just for fun. Somewhere out there is a independent, fun and adventurous woman working her dream job and going out at 4 with the girls to have a lovely happy hour and maybe just maybe she's wishing she had a family and was a stay at home mom....I guess all I can say is what mom always tells me"this too shall pass."  I'm too smart though to believe my current discontentment, about 10 minutes after arriving at the place all the cool adults gather and drink their expensive soy lattes and wear their over priced clothes and talk about really important adult stuff, Ill suddenly feel naked and bare, and look around for my kids and Ill want to reach down and pick up my baby and ill feel a tug in my heart and know that even though ill never be the same, I wouldn't want to be.

Why this blog is named "Journey to Judah'

My passion to write a blog came after my son was born, when the birds began to sing again and the sun rose from a long dark slumber in my life. April will always be a hard month for me, I can remember that at the spring daffodil parade the last two Aprils I have been pregnant. But I only had one baby to show for it. My other baby is not here because she silently died inside of me and April 28th I delivered her at home at 11 weeks and 4 days and it changed who I am forever. I had been naive before this event to anything of the sort happening to us, for God allowing us to experience such a traumatic loss. It was as if someone took my heart out of my chest and started stomping on it and never seeing an end to the pain and grief. We found out at Good Sam in the wee hours of the morning when the Dr arrived in our room he could only point to the paper with his pen, " no fetal heartbeat". Its incredible three little words can be as powerful as a hurricane. She had died...my body had failed her somehow, I was carrying death inside of me. "go home and try to relax and you should have a heavy type period" Wow, what an understatement that was! I wont go into detail on here but I will tell you it is as painful as birth at 9 months it is as traumatic as seeing a bad car wreck and I still feel like a soldier who has been exposed to the visions of blood and war, wounded in the deepest places of my heart from this experience. I did not have to see her face to know I loved her, to touch her skin and know her laugh, I only had to know God entrusted me with a life inside my body to fall in love with this tiny fragile life and all I knew after she had left was that somehow I failed her. What kind of woman was I? What sort of joke was this, what kind of God would let babies die? I was so angry and confused and hurt. The following week I had to have a d&c to rid of the "products of conception" and the over head kept ringing a lullaby every time a baby was born in the labor and delivery wing. That was the most sorrowful sound to my ears. I wanted to yell at everyone "I had a baby too ....she's just not here!" As I left I wondered how everyone else in the world could go on with their lives....how people could smile. Didn't they know that I had lost....didn't they know this world was dark and terrible?! How could there every be a happy ending to this story. As sick as felt losing her it only made matters worse that my brother and his wife were expecting right around the same time. I LOVE babies and I love my niece to pieces , but I was so incredibly jealous and angry at God that we have to watch how happy and excited they are as we cry ourselves to sleep. I felt as I must be getting what i deserve, that grace and the cross had not taken my sin and I must be being punished for something I did wrong in my past. I began to drink, smoke, and completely lost it on my husband, go out and party....Pretty much acting like a rebellious 15 yro all over again,trying to numb myself of the pain. My husband and I were near divorce and I was convinced he was mad at me for letting our baby down ( I know now that was irrational thinking). I fell into a great depression...I literally longed to die because a part of me had died when she did. The winter was dark and cold, it held no hope for me. But suddenly then there was a speck of light, my girlfriend had invited me on an all expense paid trip to my other home, Hawaii. How could I say no? Even when we arrived in paradise I was sad, I sat on North Shore breathing in the salty sea air and staring out into the vast ocean, I received a vision of a beautiful little toddler boy playing in the water and I truly thought God was showing me I would have had a boy. We left the beach and arrived at our hotel and my friend says"I think you are pregnant" .....wow, I was not thinking this at all, but since my period was late I went ahead and tested and sure enough on Jan 12th 2010, I found out the Lord had entrusted me with another life. It was so hard to wrap my head around and I was shocked and happy and scared all at the same time. I called my husband immediately and he was so excited, I couldn't believe how much joy he seemed to have, it made me feel hopeful. I arrived back in Seattle the next evening and went to the dr. s right away only to be told this was another miscarriage. I went home devastated and waited and waited for 12 days to bleed....My mother calls and tells me, don't you believe a word they're saying you are still pregnant I had a vision of a beautiful chubby boy and you are NOT going to miscarry, you speak life over that baby. So I typed out a word document to God and one to the baby telling him to be strong and stay inside so we could love him forever. I waited a few more days and got in with the Dr. and sure enough was my healthy baby with a strong heartbeat blowing the mind of my doctor. The rest of the pregnancy was a struggle from low progesterone and risk of miscarriage until I was about 14 weeks and a heart condition I had that was hard to treat and I didn't know if I would even survive. I couldn't even take the tags off the baby clothes because I was so afraid he would die too. And then on September 14th 2010 a miracle of God was born at 11:48 weighing 7 lbs 3 ounces and 19 3/4 inches long and everything I thought wed gone through that made me think God was punishing me turned into the love story of my life. The sun shined, the milk flowed....the flowers were fragrant and I knew that my love for my son was just another testimony to Gods unfailing love for me. That just when you think you cant do it and want to give up He is there waiting with the surprise of your life that will fulfill you in every way that you've longed for.  Because it was His plan and His design for His purpose, and he is good. He was born the day before my birthday and was the best gift a woman could ever want. I understand grief and pain now, but I also understand the preciousness of life and love with all my heart now, knowing so fully what a blessing my children are, how fragile and beautiful they are. Thank you God for showing me your love through all of the pain.  Genesis 29:35, She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, "This time I will praise the LORD." So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children.  
Leah Marie Dogeagle, our angel who awaits us in heaven, we love you forever baby girl 
 4/28/2009

Couponing!

Boy do I love couponing, thanks to my mother who is master coupon queen/happiness maker. She helps out the white center food bank and gets them 1000 boxes of cereal or 1000 boxes of fruit snacks each week and then some. Id like to think of all the happy little faces she gets to make smile each week because of her time and generosity. When I think about things like Japan and I feel overwhlemed because there is only so much we can do here besides donate money, but when I think about the tragedy of hungry kids at night here I feel empowered, I have found the tool to help families get fed and I am so excited to start making a difference. It is so sad to me there are people going to bed hungry next to people who throw out food living next door. It is so easy to buy a few groceries and donate them as well as learn how to coupon for your family and because you are so blessed with the savings being able to help others. Maybe theres a pair of jeans you dont wear or some toys your kids don't play with, youd be amazed how many neighbors you have that are hurting and in need. Please remember there are people who need your help and even though you might not think your making a difference with a small donation or gift, you may be the world to someone. My mom most certainly is the world to some sweet little kids who find a box of trix and fruit snack after a week with very little food or none at all. Please donate something today to your local foodbank, it will impact a needy family immediately:)

Bitterness

God, why is it so hard to let go? Why do I allow little things to grow into huge mountains? Is it so hard to forgive tiny transgressions when God has to forgive my garbage all the time? Do we really think we deserve forgiveness more than others. Sometimes Im so pissed at myself for not having the heart of Christ when I know how much others and the Lord have forgiven me. We are supposed to esteem others as better than us, yet we find a way to knock each other down constantly. I pray right now for a changed heart and a new mindset...Lord help us all love and forgive one another in Jesus name.

Why waste your breath?

I'm getting so sick of people bragging about religion...It's not cause I don't believe and because I'm a bitter person, but why don't more people live about God instead of talking about God? What good does it do to read your bible and be an asshole? What good does it do to waste your breath on those who aren't listening, the bible says don't throw your pearls of wisdom to pigs...If you are living a Godly life you don't need to say anything...remind anyone to live like you ...brag about what your doing for God. God says if you brag about yourself on earth that is your reward but if you keep your good deeds to yourself your rewards are many in heaven. Why do so many Christians feel they aren't religious enough if they aren't constantly talking about Jesus to a point it annoys everyone? Ever heard the term don't be so heavenly minded your no earthly good? Basically how are you going to reach real people here and now if you are not even relate-able....you've elevated yourself by puffed up talk that you are on a holy-er level than everyone. Why is this? Are we so insecure in who we are or have we made up our minds we are not a witness to Christ in our daily living. I do not by any means discount those who feel lead by the spirit to speak truth life or encouragement to others but why should your every word be "bless this" and "amen that" ? Is there a new super religion where we've lost our own humanity? If Jesus has touched your life so deeply than truly words will never be enough you will be a living epistle... "i know hard word google it" ...it means living story...not living narrator. Pray tonight ask God to take over and be an example through your actions not your religious word, it'll change your life.

Pretty underwear:)

This past week I had a great girlfriend of mine come up to visit from Texas, it was such a wonderful visit that taught me valuable lessons. I always try and learn new things from my friends and take away advice and ideas. I believe as women we are like a treasure box filled with secrets and tips from life experiences and trials and tribulations. As much as I like to pretend I know it all, and yes I try and pretend, the clear fact remains that i do not. I am reminded of this as I walk with my girlfriend and see the things she does in her life to bring her small amounts of joy. These, mind you are not profound things they are as simple as buying herself new underwear, buying that special treat she wants so she knows she wont overindulge and watching her perfect her makeup as if shes an artist. "self-care" is what she calls it and somehow in my new motherhood I have completely forgotten that it is ok to take care of myself and not feel guilty about it. Why do we do this as women, even the makers of jet liners know to put in the instruction manual please place your mask on yourself before assisting others, why are we so backwards in our thinking with our husbands, children and beyond? Why do we feel like the more we martyr ourselves for others this somehow proves us worthy? Is this ingrained in our beings or is this just a generational curse passed on from one guilty mother to the next. Now I by no means think this is an excuse to neglect my daily living rituals, taking care of the kids and putting dinner on the table but I have learned this from my dear friend...it is ok to take a shower before my kids do, to make my hair pretty, to buy those pretty underwear just because they make me feel better. It is ok to order takeout instead of cooking and that the dishes will wait for me if I choose to watch 3 reruns of sex & the city. It took me six days of watching my friend truly enjoy herself and her self care to realize I was missing out on life's little secrets. The day she left I hit the gym and I went tanning and put my son in the gyms daycare for the first time because for the first time in a long time I knew that taking care of myself meant I would become a better mother, wife, lover and friend. And now I hope to pass along this wisdom to other women....What have you done for "you" today?